PAIRS Relationship Mastery Course

PAIRS Mission Statement

“To teach those attitudes, emotional understandings, and behaviors that nurture and sustain healthy relationships and to make this knowledge broadly available on behalf of a safer, saner, more loving world.”

About PAIRS

The PAIRS Foundation, headquartered in Florida, has been conducting and perfecting its relationship training courses since the 1970s. Over the decades, the expert psychologists that conceived PAIRS have developed a tried and true set of principles that makes the program most effective.

PAIRS is taught by certified instructors across the country. In the St. Louis area, PAIRS seminars are held by Bill and Linda Wing, Certified Master Teachers of the course. Therapists Grant Ellis and Pam Weber are also currently in training to become certified PAIRS Teachers, and Pam is certified to teach the "PAIRS Essentials" course. There are several versions of the course, ranging from 9-120 hours. The Wings teach a version called the “Relationship Mastery Course,” conducted during 7 weekend seminars over 5 months’ time. Linda Wing offers a 30 minute free consultation for couples interested in PAIRS.

The main focus of PAIRS is to teach basic relationship skills that will increase communication, friendship, and closeness in a relationship. Although all classes are taught in a group setting, the course does not require attendees to speak in front of a group or to share personal information involuntarily. The group setting allows a greater recognition of the universal struggles in all relationships. Many couples find tremendous validation in hearing other couples talk about the difficulties of marriage and partnership. That said, the primary function of PAIRS is education, not therapy.

Who Should Take PAIRS?

PAIRS is specifically designed for couples in any stage of a relationship, including those who are happily married, engaged, or even divorced. The skills taught in PAIRS seminars are useful for increasing individual happiness and communication effectiveness, both within relationships and for individuals. Individuals who are currently single are also encouraged to attend; the principles in this course have been proven to improve existing and future relationships, family cohesiveness, and relationships with children, family, and friends.

View the PAIRS FAQ here.

PAIRS Course Outline

The following outline describes the 6 areas of concentration and the main principles that will be reviewed in detail during each PAIRS course:

Self-Awareness

  • Trace your family’s emotional history so that you can uncover the hidden expectations and communication styles which may be influencing your relationships.
  • Recover your past decisions that may be sabotaging your relationships today.
  • Know and appreciate the rich complexity of your unique personality.

Couples Awareness

  • Acknowledge and enjoy the differences between you and your partner, rather than seeing them as a threat.
  • Recognize the different roles you and your partner play—the masks you don, the behavior you assume in different moods or circumstances—and find out how they work, or don’t work, together.
  • Avoid the mind-reading that so often leads to misunderstanding between couples; learn to avoid assumptions and not to expect that “if you loved me, you would know.”

Communicating

  • Express your feelings without causing your partner to feel resentful, smothered, burdened, manipulated, or inadequate.
  • Recognize when your communication style is more of a problem than the actual problem you are communicating.
  • Clear the air of fear, pain, and anger between you and your partner before trying to resolve conflicts.
  • Develop the ability to feel real empathy for your partner, instead of secretly resenting the roles of caretaker or provider.

Sexuality and Sensuality

  • Satisfy your biological need for that combination of physical closeness and emotional openness.
  • Learn the difference between affection, comfort, “bonding,” sensuality, and sexuality so that sex is not your only avenue to closeness.

Fighting Fairly

  • Express anger without destroying love.
  • Accept anger comfortably and non-destructively.
  • Recognize covert, indirect expressions of anger.
  • Cope with either a fight-phobic or aggressive-hostile partner.
  • Fight in such a way that you regulate your differences of opinion about the issues at hand, especially those related to sex, money, children, use of time, in-laws, ex-spouses, housework, fidelity, and jealousy.

Negotiating

  • Use a negotiating style in which each partner feels heard, respected, and considered; avoid using power or control that makes the loser want to withdraw emotionally or get even.
  • Negotiate a relationship you can both live with joyfully.